Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize