I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
