i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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