2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
