It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize