her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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