Just cropdusted the office
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
