how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I need moral support for this bender
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
