How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
