He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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