Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
