i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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