Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Randomize
