I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I could make wine with my vomit
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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