Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
