Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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