why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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