your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
