Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
