I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
