five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
