Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
