I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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