Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
