i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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