so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
