She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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