the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
