You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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