So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
