the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Green mimosas i think yes
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
