im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
