dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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