I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
