i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
