they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize