Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
