Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
