do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
