i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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