It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
