I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
