There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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