So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
