I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
