i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
