I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
