Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
