I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I would ride that face into the sunset
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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