My brain says no but my pants say off.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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