i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
