Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
