i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize