He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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