I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
