When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
