my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
