I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
